GUESS WHAT!!

Lately I have been stressed out. It isn't unlike me to be stressing about something. At times I feel like I suffer from anxiety or something cause I'm constantly on edge about something. and sometimes the things I'm on edge about are really not that big of a deal. Like Skyeler getting a call from the stake presidency on my birthday about a new calling.  (Of course they never say what it about, just that they want to meet with you). Or my apartment being dirty and people seeing it. I hate a messy living area, but I have not had the strength or energy to really do much about that.

Why you might ask. Why do I not have strength or energy to clean. Well one, at times I'm lazy, Two, have you ever tried to clean with a toddler??? Three, I am now 13 weeks pregnant!! YAY! So I have had a hard time with the morning sickness again. I've lost about 10 pounds which really isn't that great. Especially since that puts me down to 110! AND that weight loss comes from basically everything that I try to put in my system. Luckily I haven't had to go in for an I.V. but it has been very close. I was asked a couple of times and probably should have but I didn't want to.

So far things have been ok. It hasn't been great but it hasn't been overly horrible. I say overly because it has been horrible with the nausea. I have been really stressed because I was having very similar spotting to my last pregnancy which I lost so as soon as I started spotting again I assumed the worst and I have had to have a couple of extra blood draws and two ultrasounds. One to confirm that I was pregnant at 5.5 weeks and then at 7.5 weeks to confirm viability. I really thought that I was going to go in and have to go through the whole miscarriage process. I had basically psyched myself up for it. Luckily we found a heartbeat and the baby had a heart rate of 152! PERFECT! And the baby was measuring right at 7.5 weeks. BOOYEAH! It was such a relief. Sadly though my relief never last more than a day or so. I start freaking out over every little thing after 48 hrs.

On the 21st I had another appointment this one was at 11.5 weeks and again I was so worked up and stressed that when we found the heartbeat again and the heart rate was 155 I literally started to cry right there and then in front of my Doctor.  I don't know why I just expect things to fail I really really hate it. But again I was so relieved that things are going well. As of now though I stress because I want my baby bump and it isn't coming fast enough so something must be wrong or my nausea is getting less intense so something has to be going wrong there. But really I just have a nice supply of Phenergan in my system and lets face it I'm a small person, its going to take a while before a show. It did last time. I think I started feeling pressure around my waist with my pants around 17 weeks.... its still going to take some time. So those are just some of the main CONSTANT stressors that I have. I think the stress and anxiety I have when I'm pregnant is a bit much. I hate stress, I hate drama, and so when I get like this it gets to much for me. But I am so afraid of things going wrong. I hate all the different things your body does while pregnant cause I always assume the worst with everything.

How can you be positive when half of your pregnancies fail??? I don't know if many people really understand that. I just really want this baby. I miss everything about feeling kicks and that connection with your unborn baby and just the joy of having a newborn. Even with little to no sleep. I know it is going to be a challenge having two kids especially with Skyeler in school. That money is tight already with having to pay for school (and the fact Sky chose a really expensive school) but its worth it. I have many friends express similar concerns before they had kids and how things are just placed in front of you once you have them. My friend has 4 kids and she mentioned that every time they had a kid her hubby either got a new job, a raise, or they found a better place to live. Another friend mentioned that when you take care of gods children he will take care of you. I really try to focus on that when I think of Skyeler and school, finances, our living situation, and just overall life. It doesn't make sense to have a kid but I know things will work out and that we will be taken care of. Especially with me staying home with the kid(s). I know that is what my family needs even if I could be working to help get rid of some debt. Then I think where is the faith in that? I can't do everything. My kid(s) need me. I need them. I have never felt so rewarded in anything that I have ever done than watching Mikena grow and being there for her every day of her life literally. I have never really been anywhere without her. From day one I have been there to giver her the love and attention she needs. I think I have done one day thing one Saturday but I was there for her that evening! But that is it! One day I'll get a weekend to myself. Or be able to pee by myself. Until then I am just so happy that I am blessed enough to be able to spend every day with my kid(s). That I am able to have kids. That Mikena is growing up knowing she is loved and that she is happy. To me it so much better than money. The things I want in life will come and I'm willing to put that on hold in order to watch my daughter. I don't want to miss anything. No matter how hard it is at times. And boy is it hard at times.. REALLY HARD.